Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
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