Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is there another word for synonym?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Half the people you know are below average.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
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