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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Half the people you know are below average.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Is there another word for synonym?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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