If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is there another word for synonym?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Half the people you know are below average.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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