If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Is there another word for synonym?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
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