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Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Half the people you know are below average.

Is there another word for synonym?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

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