If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Half the people you know are below average.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is there another word for synonym?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
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