I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Half the people you know are below average.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What do people in China call their good plates?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
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