If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is there another word for synonym?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Half the people you know are below average.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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