Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
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