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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Half the people you know are below average.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

What do people in China call their good plates?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

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