Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Is there another word for synonym?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What do people in China call their good plates?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
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