Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Half the people you know are below average.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Is there another word for synonym?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
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