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In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Is there another word for synonym?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Half the people you know are below average.

What do people in China call their good plates?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

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