Select Page

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Is there another word for synonym?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Half the people you know are below average.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What do people in China call their good plates?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.