Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Is there another word for synonym?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Half the people you know are below average.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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