Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is there another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
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