OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What do people in China call their good plates?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is there another word for synonym?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Half the people you know are below average.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
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