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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What do people in China call their good plates?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Half the people you know are below average.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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