What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Is there another word for synonym?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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