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If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Half the people you know are below average.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Is there another word for synonym?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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