Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Half the people you know are below average.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is there another word for synonym?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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