I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Half the people you know are below average.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What do people in China call their good plates?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is there another word for synonym?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.