If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Half the people you know are below average.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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