Select Page

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Is there another word for synonym?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Half the people you know are below average.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

What do people in China call their good plates?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.