She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is there another word for synonym?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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