Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
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