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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Half the people you know are below average.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Is there another word for synonym?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

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