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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Is there another word for synonym?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Half the people you know are below average.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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