Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Half the people you know are below average.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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