Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Is there another word for synonym?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Half the people you know are below average.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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