Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Is there another word for synonym?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Half the people you know are below average.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
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