Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Is there another word for synonym?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Half the people you know are below average.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.