Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Half the people you know are below average.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is there another word for synonym?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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