Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Half the people you know are below average.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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