Select Page

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is there another word for synonym?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

What do people in China call their good plates?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Half the people you know are below average.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.