Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Half the people you know are below average.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is there another word for synonym?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.