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If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What do people in China call their good plates?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Is there another word for synonym?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

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