Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What do people in China call their good plates?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
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