Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Half the people you know are below average.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is there another word for synonym?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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