Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
What do people in China call their good plates?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is there another word for synonym?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Half the people you know are below average.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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