Is there another word for synonym?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Half the people you know are below average.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
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