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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Is there another word for synonym?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

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