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If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

What do people in China call their good plates?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Is there another word for synonym?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Half the people you know are below average.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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