I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What do people in China call their good plates?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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