He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Is there another word for synonym?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
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