Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Half the people you know are below average.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
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