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How is it possible to have a civil war?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Half the people you know are below average.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Is there another word for synonym?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

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