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If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Half the people you know are below average.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Is there another word for synonym?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

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