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He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Is there another word for synonym?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do people in China call their good plates?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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