Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is there another word for synonym?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Half the people you know are below average.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
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